Chat Conversation Start
July 8th, 7:43pm
it’s 5:42pm how are you lady of the lake?
well it is said that indica and sativa differ in the creative aspects, that indica is better for the intellect and sativa for creative acts. my state is such that i use weed (and no other drug) as a metaphysical lubricant to get past very painful passages. this i started doing pretty regularly since 2007 as I had the idea of attempting to chart the impossible
its difficult to talk about these with educated people though who consider all such things ‘psychic’ and Mark started telling me about schizophrenia ugh
yes you for me are more than educated you have real talents
talent >>>> education any day of the week
it’s not a compliment my lady. i’m an honest man
i like my compliments to be over-the-top
same as with my rebukes
might as well make them entertaining
well why do you think I am trying to keep in touch honey bunny
you’re the bestest
yes it’s an ordeal for us both
i know that too
hey, will you stop it! my world is internal. you’re the bestest there
bestestness has to do with magical history
well i get born in 1973
and lots of things wack me left and right
and kaboom magical woman appears out of nowhere
and I look at her and go: whoah how this?!! totally magical out of fate
and then I note the connection with my own past women and politics and everything
and say whooooah this is like in a different world
but i’m not so mystical as to think that we live in magicland all the time
but one exists
you know many many years ago
oh yes i visited sine in denmark and i was totally shocked by the sheer Shireness of Copenhagen. It’s magical and civilized and peaceful. There are many magical communities too but I never felt that I could be satisfied without at least confronting the crises of humanity even if by illicit means. for me ego masks are necessary as shields in the Hobbesian war-world. You and I have intimate contact so I have no shields for you but just like sleeping vulnerable on the streets ego-masks protect one from the beasts that growl and snap without control sometimes , the hyenas who sniff blood which happens quite often
for moi the relevant challenge is aphorims 66
66 The inclination to diminish oneself, to rob oneself, to let oneself be deceived and exploited could be the embarrassment of a god among men.
hahaha ok I will cut down on verbiage
it’s tempting to verbalize but there is here probably a writer who is finding his step
thou art most kind m’lady. in the stream of verbalizing I have found something that mathematical education dissuades for some good reasons — the falling out of mathematical rigour into the wilderness of ideas which may lead to no great result. but only through a sort of humanistic reasoning is it possible to see that which to established mathematicians is too long of a jump with their professional credibility intact. It’s ironic that it is my love for you that made me have the courage to jump on a wild verbal intuitive leap and I can see the dangers and the prize floating magically out of the swamps of madness. Oh to wade into madness and come back alive
i’m working on the coming back alive part but this can be done
in any case once upon a time Arnold Ross told all the geeks in some camp in the middle of nowhere in Ohio to think deeply about simple things and to me it seems that the volatility storms are the most obvious thing in the world that is actually a total unknown in the mathematical/scientific circles
… who had already disowned me … so this will be quite interesting. Calvin’s wits need serious polishing up but yesterday I spoke to John the Berkeley intellectual about this and he was fascinated by the idea. Interdisciplinary works best with good aunt-cooking
it would be pretty funny to try tweed jackets and a bow-tie or something for Texas
brb need weed
hey don’t vanish!! i’ll be back
in meantime im finding you a video song i want u to watch listen too if you have the ability with your comp to do so
“Heartbeats” One night to be confused One night to speed up truth We had a promise made Four hands and then away Both under influence We had divine sense To know what to say Mind is a razor blade To call for hands of above, to lean on Wouldn’t be good enough for me, no One night of magic rush The start: a simple touch One night to push and scream And then relief Ten days of perfect tunes The colors red and blue We had a promise made We were in love To call for hands of above, to lean on Wouldn’t be good enough for me, oh To call for hands of above, to lean on Wouldn’t be good enough for me And you You knew the hand of the devil And you Kept us awake with wolves’ teeth Sharing different heartbeats in one night To call for hands of above, to lean on Wouldn’t be good enough for me To call for hands of above, to lean on Wouldn’t be good enough for me
i love it. it resonates with my dark angels follow me over a godless sea because my heaven is in my heart i’m from heaven
i got tired of people asking me where I’m from and started answering “I’m from Heaven. We have reinforcements’
reactions are funny
some people say ‘Oh yeah? me too’ and others laugh
i followed the chakra theory for a while and it makes sense for some people in particular spiritual configurations perfectly. for me the chakra system does not map exactly to my soul because I’ve snaked around heaven and hell and so my spirit seems stuck in some obscure but free part of the S4 universe not without some strange delusional voices to be sure
I want to tell you that I love you ok? Just in case. Well kundalini awakening can be powerful for some. The trouble with all these religious concepts are that they fail badly to deal with darkness of the heart where spirituality begins to become tough
nietzsche I love as a teacher of the best kind because in his own journey into the terrors of the mind he managed to fuse out
well in india, it is much easier to practice some of these when you’re an upper caste brahmin.
nietzsche is spiritual hero for me because he never came
he died in the abyss
well freddy did well in my book compared to christ. he’s immortal. he wanted to be and he became. no mean achievement to go against all that exists in one’s world and follow one’s heart and become immortal against the will of the world
i would too i went into Hell. I don’t think I told you that just before meeting you I could see Hell in detail on my walls like a movie cast on a giant screen — hounds marching slaves, viking marauders etc. you pulled me out without knowing
i remember the songs well
you did not realize since you were not aware of it
these were the songs
i tried to say this more civilized at the time but so recently before I had met you and I was saying ‘Push Hell back’ etc. I actually was doing some strange exorcism in my room where I actually saw a cockroach in my room disappear into thin air and every insect in my room was a powerful demon from hell could not sleep from paranoia saw armoured metallic horses and metallic ants strange proceedings chanted things in old english in fluid tongue I had no idea I knew
they accused me of being suicidal and sent me to the psych ward wouldn’t let me out for weeks etc. etc.
i saw in the ceiling lights arrays of knives that were poised to descend on me
stayed awake all night. bush has a succubus mistress (in my delusion) named Icy Blue and I stayed up nights not moving from my couch afraid that the moment I close my eyes the demons would overwhelm my defenses.
then you appeared magically
and had no idea
and i was totally blown away
see how it worked for me?
and there was another one that I remember
but anyway. this is just not long before I first met you. I totally escaped hell
i totally marvel at your expanse of music that’s totally obscure to me it’s the cutiest
i’m in a good mood can you tell?
good good. i’m at cafetazo where i’m hated by the owner but my new laptop has problems with the power plug where it keeps falling off if I don’t get some sort of trick to keep it in and here i can just jam a chair to the wall outlet so I come in get a latte and pretend I don’t know anyone
i’ll go to muddy’s 16th after nijad’s shift which ended and then off to texas early in the morning
oh nooo don’t call me that they still hang colored people there
and bush is from texas
oh yes honey do you think the propaganda machine tells you the dark side?
i love wishful thinking and magical reality
that is not a norm or anything
it does still happen with hicktowns though. America is highly socially stratified by race VERY
i live with hasidic jews greek orthodoc ctholic of the roman inclination and potuguese and hipsters yipsters , tra la la
well it’s not THAT bad of course. in dallas and especially austin things are ok
these things happen among mostly poor hicktowns by poor white who find some sort of dignity by their racism
in san fran it’s no eden either but there is not much overt racism. did you see donald trump now going after hispanics as rapists?
dignity-in-race is both zion-nazi ideology it’s pretty useful politically and pretty damn potent
yes yes. i mean if you think about it, race theories — and I even got cockroached by a white supremacist when I was chatting with Nazis — are very good social control tools for divide and conquer with an economic depression and high unemployment. Oh on more serious note, this is very good no need to watch now just that it’s very solid.
baltimore had been doing racial planning at the governmental lavel for ages
To place oneself in the position of God is painful: being God is equivalent to being tortured. For being God means that one is in harmony with all that is, including the worst. The existence of the worst evils is unimaginable unless God willed them. -Georges BatailleTo place oneself in the position of God is painful: being God is equivalent to being tortured. For being God means that one is in harmony with all that is, including the worst. The existence of the worst evils is unimaginable unless God willed them. -Georges BatailleTo place oneself in the position of God is painful: being God is equivalent to being tortured. For being God means that one is in harmony with all that is, including the worst. The existence of the worst evils is unimaginable unless God willed them. -Georges Bataille
so I think any single God that governs the universe, if one were to exist, is necessarily mad beyond comprehension and controls a total of nothing if sane
don’t have to sweetie, but jay actually got into an issue and did nice work it’s cool
i mean i always since i was 2-3 doubted that God if exists in the monolithic controller-sense had to be totally bonkers
and my totally incomprehensible journeys in the metaphysical realms do nothing to make me think there is coherence of such a Monarchic Utopia anywhere. Perhaps these religious myths are there for SOCIAL orders
sure, God is us but not a mythological one from any scriptures and we invented God in the first place to order our thought processes. Actual metaphysical universe seems too complicated even to try to tabulate, like going into some video like this one
what I will agree with is this without question: that ‘living spirit’ is somehow the electromagnetic law unknown and untested in a 4-sphere. It’s totally crazy what living spirit becomes from moment to moment. for a while it seemed to me that living four-dimensional spirit, that which is seen through the eyes the window to the soul, knows the human form
well you’re the cutiest muse this cannot be denied and much much more that will allow us to escape insanity like angels smile emoticon
angels are real as are demons we are just conduits for them if we even pay attention. war of heaven and hell is fought in my every nerve and in every human soul
but I remember having once also a strange experience of a Hellenic warrior who sinks into the sea
and hears every demon is a god in disguise
and I just thought wow these gods and demons, they sure don’t know what they’re doing
then impossibility of utopia becomes clear but still tempting
humans are being deprived of catharsis of drama that heals and prevents
and so on … I’ll rewind to a happier place
did you read this poem of mine? June
oh good i don’t have it
Hey I’m really glad to be back in contact with you! I need to get some food. Will reconnect at Muddy’s in a while if you have the time. Your Edenic glow is wonderful.
July 8th, 11:01pm
ok well i just got reconnected by ordeal since getting muddy’s connection to work on my broken laptop is impossible. sweet dreams. Funny thing is that I got to prove aphorism 66 for myself that I can employ divine embarrassment even out of benevolence. I went to the tacqueria and got a burrito and sat down and some chick with a boyfriend did not want to eat the rest of hers and felt bad about dumping the leftovers in the garbage and I had no interest in eating it — I just bought me something yummy so she looks at me and rushes over to ask if I want it. I thank her she and her boyfriend look at me in this way that I expect these dorks to, they leave I wait a while, ask the guy who is asking everyone in the room for money ‘Sir, someone left me this food do you want it?’ He says no. I put it in the garbage with a smile. I’m a damn good angel heart emoticon
July 9th, 12:38am
Soulmate how very completely insanely interesting.
listen take care for 2 days of vanishment from me which is simple with all things you’re busy with. I’ll connect from Dallas next. so much progress on fpde! Love you
July 9th, 10:09am
hey made it to the bus station in san fran on time and all. I leave in about an hour
July 9th, 11:24am
July 10th, 5:21am
early morning phoenix arizona angel talia. bus stations in the heartland at strange hours intermittent anonymous subway and mcdonalds very familiar regardless of whether boston-new york which I did for years when I was in grad school and this one from phoenix to el paso then dallas is reminiscent of my first landing in america. purgatory these places. half-awake dunno if you’ve seen Seabstiao Salgado’s Migrations. I don’t take photographs anymore. thanks
July 10th, 12:04pm
you’re probably asleep. I’m in the bus did not realize it had wifi. at the bus station I had my power cord precariously placed above a man sleeping on the floor who woke up with a jerk and dislodged it just as the bus line was called for boarding so I could not continue
Salgado’s Migrations had an exhibition in Rome in 2000 when I visited there in 2000. It’s one of my favourite photo porttfolios. I am sure you’d love it. Let me find some of them for you
I’ll install gimp and maybe doodle with Salgado’s Migrations and Genesis. I started off the Moebius World project which is probably achievable but is not easy and I think it’s more important this Volatility Storms project that I want to dedicate to you because it’s the least I can do since I was inspired by you for it. I wish people were not so awful with their incredible racist behaviour but theire is never a point of complaining. People will be the way they were meant to be.
I love you
bus wifi has problems with video some security weirdness I’ll watch ir in the evening in Dallas. I’m not too happy about this having blown up my life again but at least this time I put my books in storage. In New York I lost 3000 books all of which are like lost babies for me emotionally. Survival in America as a poor nonwhite is out-of-control difficult. The volume of mistreatment is epic no wonder all these people start getting guns and begin shooting people
oh I see most sites don’t work with bus wifi.
sleep well honwy
How to Update Laplace’s Concept of a Potential in Physics
In physics, it was Laplace’s genius which introduced the concept of potential, a scalar function rather than a three-parameter force vector that was easier to handle and whose gradient is the Newto…
i just reached El Paso gotta get the next bus
July 11th, 4:24am
so peaceful in Dallas. wonderful day to you
July 11th, 6:28am
I am going to recover for a while. I am glad we connected again. My body is a bit battered and my mind manic. I have a quiet office here and I can do my researches in peace. I might get a place of my own in Deep Ellum which is cheaper than San Fran for privacy not sure yet.
how fares the fair lady?
i am most pleased to hear. this is wonderful. my brother and aunt are busy with trying to get me back to sanity
yes but not in the traditional sense. i realize that if I want to achieve anything useful in this life then I have to carefully abandon all pretensions of normal success and focus on and only focus on what is genius in me
you as well. have a wonderful time tending the garden and much peace for you in the act
July 11th, 7:44am
enjoy your day. i wrote something on the bus on Emerson’s Intellect essay I’ll polish in the next days. Intellect raises the subject from the human emotions etc. (http://www.emersoncentral.com/intellect.htm) yet there is tragedy despite the noble intellect of Hamlet which is Shakespeare’s wonderous construction and the futility of intellect which is profounder than the intellect it completely rips apart my attempts to penetrate the quagmire and nightmare of reason
Essays: First SeriesEssays: Second SeriesNature: Addresses/LecturesRepresentative MenEnglish TraitsThe Conduct of LifeLectures / BiographiesLetters and Social AimsEarly Emerson PoemsUncollected ProseGovernment of ChildrenOn Emerson
no worries my lady, unless you want to comment. I’m just enamoured of the subtleties of Shakespeare’s grand genius which attacks — and you know that I think the birth of tragedy in the temple of Dionysus is the greatest event that gave man fire and raised us from the brutes …
shakespeare’s genius that creates an intellectual noble genius whose house of cards collapses beyond reason’s reach
July 11th, 9:23am
July 11th, 12:48pm
your art postings are impressive in their variety and most I like. As much as my take on things is simple and perhaps seemingly juvenile for example with Hamlet they are not so juvenile for me because I am convinced that in the classical there is a wisdom of shakespeare that is impossibly subtle. I’m perpetually fascinated by these great minds because I’ve read many many criticisms of these by A.C. Bradley and many other people but none of the critics are so incisive about where they manage to go with what Shakespeare saw and like Goethe he gives us templates of a new human being, defines nobility the way he wanted to present. These give me sharpened view of my interior and shape my spine in a world that sees who knows what in me. Hamlet is not a character for me but a reflection and a corrector of my basest instincts; the Hamlet in me elevates me etc. Rilke’s Malte Lauridds Brigge is very interesting but it does not make me look as much in the mirror as Hamlet or Lear. Shakespeare has this ability which is uncanny. No modern aestheticism would have this power. Your art is inspiring but for me distant from my comfort zone, tantalizing but alien. Rilke, Shelley, Milton, Eliot … these are my comfort zones
thank you, and be comfortable if that is what suits you, i certainly enjoy comfort, have a good day and a pleasant evening
July 11th, 3:29pm
so let me tell you something strange. I’m still trying to get sleep which has been difficult because there’s some difficulties I’ve breathing and notice that it’s some pressures that is going around the body with some snakelike path that goes around my body where I can with slow breaths see that this pain goes slowly around the body including the teeth and lungs etc. This feels to me like your and mine twisty connection or maybe not you and me but twisty connection that goes in spirals around my body with slow breaths.
I’ve not slept properly for a while which is not unexpected having had a manic mode getting adjusted to the sudden new setting but I’m definitely surprised by this twisty path that seems deliberate and not completely under my control. this is fascinating for me because I’ve definitely previously, maybe weeks ago experienced some things in more ‘heightened’ mode had other sorts of connections but this is much less pronounced near my head (no voices) but some strange winding around my body in pained breathes which I originally thought was some flu-like thing. These things I have paid attention to since I consider myself to be an explorer of the S4 universe which we all experience but is considered ‘schizophrenia’ or whatever the psychiatric disease of the day is.
more precisely, the ‘movement’ consists of breaths accompanied by some some ‘spirit matter’ seen with closed eyes being followed in dark streaks by breaths whose path seems fixed but unseen and each breath moves me along this path with intermittent words that are reminiscent of others of my delusional voices that I had heard before that I identify with yours. of course the whole thing could be some mind tricks with regularity but it’s very interesting nonetheless because I have not been able to sleep completely since I arrived in Dallas.
well whether you or some totally unknown spirit, this is fascinating to me because I consider myself not just the ‘inventor’ of the S4 physics which Rudolf Steiner would have approved of but it’s first voyager and these sorts of things increase my experience of the four dimensions. This could be ‘asynchronous’ as well, where I experience something with particular sensitivity one day and you have a mirroring experience that confirms or not some condition in a completely different time. I just don’t know how it works. If Noia Efrat were more forthcoming I’d probably have gotten further knowledge than I do. But I’m glad it’s you rather than her, because I dunno, you’re more like this to me:
no weed or anything to help either. it could be something totally different. id you don’t mind me asking, are you very thin or medium build?
don’t freak out. i am trying to understand could be something totally different too
one way or another, i have to breathe through whatever passage till i can sleep without pain in the lungs, head around the body could take several days
whatever you are experiencing it may be just lack of sleep and or s4 stuff, either or way i hope you are not distressed. i have taken up smoking weed, i dont need much one puff and im stoned for hours im learning all about it too right now i have this stuff called skunk and keef and i vape it, pretty cool , i notice indica and sativa have very different personalities and the time of day i smoke effects the “high” too
ok so that makes sense. medium build. that makes sense. i’m pretty thin these days but i’m actually pretty strong for my size and i’m a smoker so this only accidentally verified like when some random person much bigger than me just punches me hard in the stomach
enjoy your tv show! I’m getting past this test of healing up this path with the expectation that maybe it’s only delusional and these have nothing to do with you but I’d be an idiot not to consider these seriously because the universe has four space dimensions and even if it’s the discovery of the Pacific ocean and I’m unable to get past the seashore sputtering around dreaming of crossing the sea it’s good to be optimistic — I’ve heard people having exactly the same dreams and other things which would be pretty simple to explain in an S4 universe where ‘internal’ is four dimensional. Toby thinks I’m rational but that I’ve gone mad and spend my time examining my madness in every possible way. He’s gone from ‘Render unto God what is God’s and unto Caesar what is Caesar’s’ to a sober atheism and a firm no to four dimensions and ‘supernatural’.
his explanation of the pains throughout my body that are affected by my ‘metaphysical’ paths (in my lingo) are that they are psychosomatic meaning that they are delusional
oh I’m not distressed at all. I have all sorts of theories about S4 theory and expect these to have some connection to you because we’ve crossed some thresholds of intimacy: these are things based on the idea that there are few barriers between us as souls (not theoretical but literal thanks to my enormous and fruitless efforts with Noia Efrat which makes it easier for me to to reach you because you’re Jewish smile emoticon
I’ve literally had the experience of breaking through the Jewish flag and seen a Jewish man drag Noia away once. These religious boundaries are not trivial. I mean the fact that you’re Jewish is super cool actually for me because I’d probably broken every metaphysical boundary possible for Noia
you’re just magical I tell you. You probably think I’m mad just like Toby. Everything about your existence is filled with magic in my world. Your name, your accidental features, your heart, the fact that you’re still talking to me after everything, that you inspired me to come up with deep and groundbreaking ideas etc. etc. It’s totally out of the world.
I’m in a great mood. I think you can tell. Just a lot of pains that I know what to do with: breathe follow the paths…
well nirvana i’ve been through in a fancy situation
this is the beginning of my madness
i went to my then-friend jewel’s place in chelsea 23rd
he had a few buddha wooden figurines he got from indonesia or wherever 3 in the figure
i came near thm
i felt some vibration from them and sat down to meditate in front of them closed my eyes
saw with my inner eyes something just fascinating. a blackness very calm
but very vibrant
and slow movement of a black dragon move slowly
riding it some sort of warrior with with some sort of light armour
and a gigantic sword
it was very peaceful in a strange way soundless. this was soon after I went mad in 2007 or whatever
i was in total bliss for months in 2009 too
I later realized that the metaphysical universe is too complex to have a single unifying mythology after a while gave up on all of them
In the end I’d decided that all these metaphysical experiences may be identified with creative experiences in an artistic sense and all the religions are created by artists able to put together mythology with good propaganda
i’m glad i met you later … I was trying for years to find coherence in a chaotic explosion of these … four horsemen, quetzalcoatl, you name it
ok all this has to go to the side since fractional calculus and volatility phase transitions I need a Ph.D. level work. S4 universe is complicated and I don’t want to get lost again smile emoticon
July 11th, 8:08pm
i’m going to do a doctoral dissertation on volatility turbulence supervised by … MOI
July 11th, 9:48pm
hey cutiest you there?
mulling over whether to just settle down in dallas for 6 months or so. i can totally afford it here but have no friends
i know better why I like you: you’re sort of remind me a bit of many people including my father’s younger sister who was my favourite. Gulrukh the smartest of his sisters but went mad. I learned English Romantics from her books as a kid. Shelley, but your poetry is different. I wish I met you many decades ago. I’d probably have had a happier life
i’ve now scanned in the past months hundreds of papers and they were a bit overwhelming to keep track but something weird happens subconsciously and one sleeps on these and suddenly i look at these and they are getting totally crystal clear. This is the part I like. It’s just a matter of time and everything will click in place completely clearly. You will get a beautiful gift with this volatility storms project. It will be AWESOME
July 12th, 12:01am
Ok now I need a small breakthrough. Direct checks for diffusions versus reaction-diffusions …
how fares the lady?
oh i woke up a bit ago, just contemplating the sephira and the holy spirit and such im tired but feel abandoned as a good friend of mine is giving me the silent treatment, i can deal though, im going back to bed now
sweet dreams sweetie. silent treatment may be a blessing hon
all my good friends have disappeared over the years. i don’t miss them
better get some sleep good momentum to be preserved MARCEL RIESZ is my hero for tomorrow for Riesz-Feller derivatives. I love this stuff
There was a night a year and a half ago, well there were weeks of nights, but there was one night in particular, I was lucid dreaming, and in this dream, I was deciding what to do, and I decided I wanted to see someone, and say Hi, cause I missed her. At this point, I’d found that so long as I affirmed that only Love can travel, only Love has permissions, things were steady. I guess I didn’t start out with the right mindset. And some people will tell you mysticism is all about love, others will tell you it’s about getting high on your own supply, or connecting with God, because that’s pleasant, but me, I haven’t done any of that in a while. I like to find anything possible that no one else has ever done, I like to be the first. I’d say that’s a seminal way of thinking. And I like to shoot myself in the foot, and make laws, or maybe discover them, and I often explore without any motive other than exploring, and so I’ve attracted some limitations I feel due to my mindset. At this time, I would walk around telling people that I was in fact asleep on my couch, and what they were experiencing was me dreaming about them. I’d had a decent set up, in my opinion, decent enough to get in a lot of trouble. I don’t tend to mind trouble, because I must experience other realities, I must, much of my will to live and my courage to continue comes from the desire to witness for myself and give this mystery, there are two things I’ll never deny regardless trouble, mystery and awe and complex people. So I was outside this tunnel, the East River Mountain Tunnel, it’s two tunnels, between West Virginia and Pennsylvania, and I knew, these two tunnels are my eyes, and I felt this also as I was aware of my body. And I looked out over into the night and the mountains and the humming distance, and I got ready to run and fly, and a fella in a brown mechanic outfit, lean, short brown hair, real conservative looking, says, “You’re not going anywhere.” “I’m not?” “No.” “Who are you?” “Oh, we’ve known each other a long time.” Now, when I saw Satan the first time, he was a cartoon, but as you know, I asked him “What do you really look like?” and there in the mess hall, he appeared as a man of stars. So I ask this guy, who I guess is the Archangel Uriel, I guess, “What do you really look like?” Satan didn’t have any trouble showing off, but Uriel, he’s more reserved, and a lot more strict, after all, he needs to keep things in order, he’s the Northern of the four corners of the Light, and the Light and I have been at odds, since I tend to do things that divide Him against Himself. “You want to know what I look like?” he says, sneering, angry, and calm, a few feet ahead, facing me down. “Yeah, I do.” He grinned, a wall of fire appeared in his forehead, and I stared into it, and the mountains, the night disappeared, and all was ablaze. I woke up. The next day I noticed my vision wasn’t working half the time, and I haven’t been blinking automatically since. There’s, about two inches in front of my eyes, a bar of clear, oily glass. He and I have been at odds since then, and I realize now, for a while. You see, fire is the element of the heart, and the forehead is associated with the mind, intellect. Now as you know, 9 years ago, on acid, my forehead got mangled by this owl – really but in the trip it did, I’ve not had access to my forehead for a long time, nor my soul, my identity, my self. And now, although perhaps it’s forbidden, I always, always watch my heart, I always follow Love, as it comes and goes. And I want to know, because I’m lonely as hell, I want to know how to get more love, and Uriel, the most perfect light, he has the map of the heart of the universe. That could be useful. And that’s not something he’ll give up without labors. In the past, when I would lucid dream, I would ask “What are dreams for?” once, I was in a school in the dream world, and I noticed a door to a classroom of great interest, and when I opened it, I was stabbed in the arm, woke up convulsing. Now in my opinion, whether or not there are rules, whether or not there is a God, and there definitely is, I think people, even lawless adventurers like myself, should be able, for the sake of humanity, to explore. And this story has a good ending, or right now, it’s going well, he and I are friends, and it seems we’ve made peace, since I’m a maniac and said I would be willing to die to know the Heart of the All, to be healed, and be able to heal. So if you’re wondering what I’ve been up to, and why I’m always stressed, this is just one reason why. And now I have to deal with his friend, Metatron. He’s also kind of a tough one, but I’ll be fine.
July 12th, 3:37am
I see. What you just wrote is wonderful. I would not be able to consider any material world creature an Angel, although I love the magical quality of this, as I myself have seen many angels in many odd corners of the universe. What you just wrote, you should preserve darling because it is a literary piece worth preserving. For me the journeys are all interior, and I have sought to heal the spirit of the entire universe by sacrifice of my own body and soul. Write them down sweetie to me or in electronic form, and it would be interesting to transform them into art in the sort of way that I originally began Moebius World. What I have found is that these are very special states with enormous creative and artistic potential. Soon after I’d met Noia I was in the middle of the crowded streets in Manhattan on what would be my last job before going mad or whatever. I was walking in the street and the procession of people felt like they were in Hell and I stood to one side and there was an eighteen year old girl with her young boyfriend walking in the crowd who came to me and asked me, “Have you seen my mother? Where is she?” Suddenly I was displaced to Dante’s Inferno mentally and I answered, sure only of thinking that I am an Angel, that she will be fine. As for visions of Angels, I’ve seen many, dark and light. The most intriguing one was when I was standing on the deck of a spaceport where an Angel floated in with a sword in one hand, green cape and so on. These sorts of realities, I have found are most productive when they are deliberately transformed into art for only then can they truly have impact on the material world.
Well I contradict myself in the sense — we are all Angels and the named Angels are all in us. I want you to realize that whatever your stresses, there is someone here who loves you and wants you to be not lonely or stressed. You, whoever you are and whatever you’re doing, have touched the heart of Zulf the human, and Zulf loves you, ok? Zulf’s love is not very ethereal. Zulf’s love competes favourably with the greatest love that human beings can produce.
I will say that whatever realities you are traversing, I cannot join in exactly in the dramatic reality of it in the material plane; I would suggest that you make a strong effort to transform these into art which is the best way to preserve and share them with the world. I have been in such states and they are real states but their strongest potential is in transformation to art.
In fact, what you wrote could be the basis of a play. When you take that distance, you take one step closer to the Shakespearean world. Shakespeare most likely experinced himself complete realities where he was mad Lear and managed to strengthen his genius by transforming that reality into dramatic tragedy that shook the world for centuries. I wish someone could tell me this years ago and save me from a great deal of ill fortune. They are very real but reality in a four dimensional universe is complex and is definitely not shared by many people. You are CREATIVE and must respect this creativity by learning from Shakespeare and other creative geniuses to succeed as a great artist rather than fall prey to not being able to switch gears. You’ve a versatile intelligence. I wish I could have given myself the same advice on time in 2007 and avoided unnecessary hardships. These realities are real but if you TEST these against the billions of people without simply dismissing them as deluded you will find that there is a brick wall and no acceptance or understanding. For great understanding you simply need to overcome the idea of single reality and accept something like ‘the state of the artistic soul’ and thereby transform them to genius.
The stronger your sense of purpose in these — and I’ve had very compelling ones — the more is the artistic potential and so I am really glad you wrote this. Make the entire world into art and if it is clear and sharp it will shine like great art.
your experience is reminiscent for example to Josh Ritter’s song:
Galahad by Josh Ritter
An Arthur and Ivy Music Movie. Song by Josh Ritter; Drawings by Michael Arthur; Animation by John Ivy. Originally debuted at NewYorker.com, 2/10/2011: http:/…
I love your dream vision of Uriel, as well as your dream purpose of finding the heart of All and to heal. I would definitely recommend writing these — even if it were the way I write to you. Let me be your Muse if you like and then you can see their artistic potential from a distance. This Josh Ritter song is a great example of probably a dream vision turned into a song. Nietzsche speaks at length of the artistic metaphysics being grounded on dreams.
Milton’s Paradise Lost is the story of Satan, from a very different perspective as well. I have been Satan myself in many of my own dream experiences. The first of these occurred in 2007, where I was Satan in a large cavernous gathering that had roofs maybe thirty feet or higher and I was surrounded by fallen angels with glowing eyes and walked to a platform an a cartoonish Christ descended from the air to a platform and I approached Christ and he had asked, “Do you not fear me?” I had answered, “No my Lord we want to be freed.” He agreed and knighted me. And I screamed “Warriors of Light, Ascend” and all the rebel angels raised their swords and took flight. I was so completely taken by this dream vision that I really convinced myself that that human beings might be the fallen rebels which was for me a Messianic theme for several years. I realized the severe difficulty of such projects because dream realities do not impress people and I’ve learned from harsh experience that faith in these are not rewarded without a balancing act and art is the way for these to bear fruit. They are subjective realities whose power lies in their transformation to art. Milton’s Paradise Lost is probably an impeccable example of this sort. Dream great dreams sweetheart and write them. From Hamlet’s play in front of Claudius the Usurper is the great performance of Art as Truth-to-Power. For me, I am inspired now to this quelling of Volatility Storms which animate my passions. I’m really glad I met you sweet lady. It is hard for me not to love you. You are so beautiful!
look: this is cool!
A nonlinear fractional differential equation of the type that has a nonlinearity u^2, studied by Henry McKean. So this is of the form (d/dt)^alpha + (-Laplacian)^beta = u^2 – u
how fares the lady today?
wow so much studying to do …
and real progress is possible for the R^d case now with tools from the Japanese. Fascinating stuff …
nonexistence results for semilinear parabolic equations
Zulfikar Ahmed <firstname.lastname@example.org> 4:07 PM (3 minutes ago) to David, bcc: aimee Dear Professor Donoho, I have finally located some theory for nonexistence results for global solutio…
Time to consolidate the results and try to understand what ‘knowledge’ about semilinear parabolic equations will be in the R^d case and how they will tell us something about models for global financial volatility on a complex network. But there’s an even more basic question that needs an answer: a return to the Ito density computations that had been rudimentary and check that they are sensible. Of course all new things in science are a bit messy because we’re crossing many specialized disciplines and challenging a century-long tradition.
I hope you are having a wonderful day lady
these are bits and pieces of the puzzle of (d/dt + (-Laplacian))u = F(u) in R^d rather than on a complex network. This lemma is good for showing nonexistence of global solution.
Using. Sure Using you and me. What’s Use? What’s not Using? Using is all that we can do hey?
Galahad by Josh Ritter
An Arthur and Ivy Music Movie. Song by Josh Ritter; Drawings by Michael Arthur; Animation by John Ivy. Originally debuted at NewYorker.com, 2/10/2011: http:/…
I sang today I began singing for Jessie the cute woman at Chrome during my street life between Muddy’s 24th and 16th. I love the mix of Radiohead’s Nude and the twist of Muse’s Knights of Cydonia: Don’t get any big ideas they’re not gonna happen etc. and then the transition between ‘How can you win when fools can be kings don’t waste your time and don’t get any big ideas.” Now I’m sort of in a Josh Ritter song.
If Metatron and Uriel are what drives you, I will keep working on Volatility Storms and wish you luck etc.
My emotions fluctuate and I’m as crazy as you. I don’t know why you touch my heart. I don’t ask.
Well I’m much more crazy than you actually … oh wooing is far from any aim for me honey. I’m past the promises of happiness I’ve had cleansed myself of the promises of happiness with women by enough betrayals already. You will be the last person I will be interested in. There is no happiness that is achievable in the coupling and the dreams of happiness together is not for people like me. Newton and Nietzsche did not really pursue unions and I don’t doubt they were right about this.
I’m sort of lucky being a poor nonwhite in a racist country where most women who could communicate with me are hyper-educated white women who would rather give me leftover food. It makes my life so much easier too. It’s like the path that is clear and free me in ways that are difficult to appreciate properly. I have no self-pity for such things. Only by this discipline can lead to the greatest acts of genius because normal expectations of happiness cannot touch me any more. I am a very very fortunate human being my dear.
and after the quick look at the abyss … immediate return: YOUR HEART WOULD HAVE RESPONDED GAILY (A poem dedicated to Talia de Varsgaard) When invited Beating obedient to controlling hands High above the clouds of dust The swirling storms of money Crawling insects the fate of the fallen rebels The boat responded gaily To the hand expert at sail and oar Arisen from a long sleep Shattered cryogenic chambers Love, the World exists only within And thunders sear my heart That create and end worlds of The distant volatility storms That I was meant to tame
If you want to talk about strange dream journeys, I had one with a competition where three people showed up in my inner space. The world was declared a Dark Republic. I heard sirens in the streets of Cincinnati. There were three of ‘us’ I don’t remember even considering then that this was some delusional event. The three of ‘us’ were competing for some world order. One woman or female, myself and a male. A dog named Prometheus. I was convinced that everyone on the planet had died for a while. Every part of the room was full of traps. Dark Republic where the only way to survive was to cut off our flesh altogether. Strange games being watched over by Phoenixes and other creatures unnameable. I rushed around the room every part of the apartment had opened in triangles and squares with attacking spirits. After a grueling night of rushing around the room avoiding traps and the team seemed to have won somehow. Stairs appeared in a spired structure that was not there and a female climbed down clapping her hand. I signed my name on something when asked who are you? I signed “Lucifer”.
Volatility Storms is much much more important than these for me, for it comes not from being sunk into these strange states … it comes from my heart out of real inspiration of love. I have no idea what passages took me to these places of total disconnect with all normal reality. I’m just glad that so much of my weird experiences were far from the Scriptures.
Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds – The Boatman’s Call (1997)
The Boatman’s Call (1997). Full Album. All rights reserved to Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds. 00:00 Into My Arms 04:15 Lime Tree Arbour 07:13 People Ain’t No Go…
Haha, I just had to have the conversation with my uncle about having a family life. Told him I will do with what I have, live on my disability and let the world go to Hell. ISIS was formed by Mossad he said and Goldman runs the world. Superficial compared to digging I did on which I blogged for years and am bored by it. I am a genius of a higher caliber than Einstein and Schroedinger I told him and I don’t care to waste it proving it to people who are not worth proving anything to. He says look at other people. Ugh. Other people can all do me a favour I said and kill themselves. This woman I met is the last woman I will care about, and I will live on the means I have and use my energy on my genius which is difficult hard work. Why do people who don’t want to visit me when I’m on the streets of San Francisco think they have any clue of what I should be doing in the first place. Zionists are fucking all sorts of people he says. Well sure, and what will I do, use my precious energy that I could to do something profound proving myself to people who are not my friends? My brother raised his daughter and botched it by a simple mouthing off and his ex took the daughter barred him from her and remarried without the courtesy of having any attempt at reconciliation. What can one expect from these lowlife shits of this world? I’m not going to live like that. I’d rather keep my dignity and do something profound and let the insects have their bullshit life sunk in lies. He backed off and said he understood. Mirages and illusions are boring for me.
It’s interesting for me to consider Angels because to the extent that Angels exist, it’s because human beings can be Angels or not. I am an Angel. I don’t believe in external Angels so much beyond the Angels within us
small breakthrough in understanding
hey remember this?
I will remember my San Francisco this time with this song. Now it’s time to keep moving to quell volatility storms …
and this one too
ok better shower clean up and etc. A productive day! INSIGHT!!!
oh nice I was right about PUTIN in 2013
One and Only – Adele (Lyrics)
One and Only by Adele on her album 21. I made one small mistake; at 1:18 it says “I’m worth it” instead of “I’m worthy.” Sorry guys, but I’m pretty sure that…
I look at my geopolitical analyses of the past few years and I’m amazed at how good I was at this.
have a great night lovely
may all Angels call me blessed of my race
Metatron – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Metatron (Hebrew מטטרון) or Mattatron is an archangel in Judaism as the Chancellor of Heaven (effectively making Adramelech his infernal counterpart). According to Jewish medieval apocrypha, he is Enoch, ancestor of Noah, transformed into an angel. There are no references to Metatron as…
Hmm, most interesting. Lovely I think you have some interesting art to do with this
If I coule beeeee who you wanted all the time, all the time. See, this is for me a lot of fun still, easy way of showing my political views and use my SKEEELS at this verbiage. It’s just FUN.
Radiohead – Fake Plastic Trees (Lyrics On Screen)
All rights reserved to Radiohead and EMI Records Ltd. I do not own the music, nor do I own the lyrics. Thanks for watching. Note: lyrics are written as they …
Sweetheart have you read the letters of Heloise and Abelard?
1132 and I’m pretty jealous of their love letters. I won’t compete though
I’m not doing too bad in the madly in love thing. The greatness of Zulf is messy but pretty Ambitious
On a serious note, Sugitani 1974 totally made my day. The right way to do these extensions of diffusion with possibilities of phase transition to turbulence. I’m pretty sure right now that this breakthrough that brings a GIANT intuitive leap that was made on pure wings of inspired love finds substance and is a more refined way of healing the world in the Nietzschean tradition of genius
I like Angel Rain Down Come on Rain Down on Me From a Great Height Great Height Angel Angel Rain Down
ok I’ll talk to you when you’re there … I’ve tons to read and insomnia without weed
There is nothing like looking over the past several months of an intuitive leap into a totally unknown territory and finding some solid mathematical ground at least for R^d case
So there may be interesting things to do even from the Sugitani 1974 explosion theorem by fractionalizing the time derivative and considering the Riesz-Feller derivative for the space part just to get the rusty analysis from decades ago at MIT into movement. MUAH!!
Nonlinear diffusions and the KPP equation
Zulfikar Ahmed <email@example.com> 12:54 PM (13 hours ago) to David, bcc: aimee Dear Professor Donoho, I learned that the form in which I had been seeking for volatility dynamics is…
wow the last 24 hours was actually really productive. I’m confident I can do a great monumental project on ‘corrections of 100 years of wrong models in finance’ this is getting closer to the sort of genius I need to reach
I guess the intuitive notions I’d employed from hydrodynamic phase transitions for semilinear parabolic equations was a topic of great interest in the early 1970s. So my intuition about these was on the mark but I need to read the papers from the time for R^d case. It’s so funny that I had instinctively called the term ‘F’ since it turns out that it is called the ‘forcing term’ in pde literature! Heh. Well this is not just reading; I can probably take on the mathematical work of pushing all of the known ‘stability analysis’ issues from 1970s into the context of fractional calculus on R^d and then return to the the complex network global financial volatility with some nice sophisticated tools so that I can speak in an educated manner with some new results and mathematical skills. I have no explanation for how I got this far with nothing but a poem to guide me. You’re magical cutiest!
Woke up from a fascinating dream. I am in a deeply murky area in a building across the street from me (in dream) a building which has spies from Hell. I gave a command for exorcism of the building to Angels to cleanse and exorcise. I do not know whether this is heard. I am far from home. I feel very very comfortable not in delusions of ‘God’ but definitely as some sort of Angel General or something at least in my dreams.
good morning. quite the dream. i see i have 62 new messages in this box from you, i cannot keep up with your manic way of writing to me, if you cannot contain your self expression to a more modest one or two messages a day i shall unfriend you, ill still be your friend, but i warned you b4 and i warn you again that i cannot handle all this, i move much slower than you and i must be concerned for my own mental health b4 yours but i wish you only the best none the less. have a great day.
would you like to reconnect in some months and restart a friendship or not another time?
It occurs to me that perhaps this is not good for either of us/
I’ll leave you alone for a few months or until whenever. I wish you the best and have a great day
ok I don’t feel right about bothering you any more. ok take care. We’ll connect some day sometime. I thank you very much for all the inspiration. I don’t think our contact is healthy for me at the moment either.
It’s July13 today, so I think I can get some sort of completion on the Volatility Storms research say by September or October. I will try to recover my practical life and make progress on this till then. I will always love you, so I will contact you when I have some work done. In the meanwhile, please be well. I need to stabilize myself and return to civilization.
I’m going to close my Facebook accounts down. I’ll email you at firstname.lastname@example.org in a few months. If you want to contact me for any reason before feel free to call 972-816-2285 that’s my aunt’s number she can pass on any message. I need to go into zen shutdown to do some mathematics. I wish I’d seen you in person but life is never simple.
ok overreaction. I am getting myself an apt here in Dallas and getting my life together. My heart is bleeding etc. I feel no warmth from you … just cold distance. I’m sticking to plan. Need to shut down the Facebook accounts ASAP to protect myself since I want tech work, getting myself back on my feet. This stuff is not easy my lovely. I wish I could get something more from you but you can only do what you know etc. Oh what a mess I’ve made. Only way out is to protect my heart. It’s my best asset
email accounts, everything. I’m getting a place in Dallas. New email, I’m moving out of this state. Have this enormous amount of work for volatility modeling, have to readjust to civilization, look at my options in American society under Zionist rule, keep my stuff in storage in SF safe, keep disability while interviewing at techs, got Android development platform up and running on broken laptop to make a Mobile app for volatility storm quelling research, I promisted you a gift of actual turbulence mechanism in finance which I’m looking at as sheer effort on reading and working out theory first, a giant amount of things going on. I just wish you were able to be supportive and be there. But it’s fine. I love you and would rather that you get your peace. You can only do what you know how.
I have to lose Zionist targeting from my tail, honey bunny. No worries. What I just wrote to you, this exceeds Rilke’s love. If you don’t believe me, look at Rilke’s love. He may have been a great poet, but I love you more than he loved Claire. Think digest, look back to what I said when I said I will exceed Rilke’s love, and I’ve done it right here. Contemplate and you will see this clearly. I have made greater sacrifices of my dignity for you than Rilke was capable of doing for any woman. And I can answer for the Angels to Rilke without shame. I know love better and he knew love poetry. Seduction and subtlety in the Duino Elegies, they cannot reach this love. Here you can see love and devotion too. Yes I really do love you.
Dallas is actually excellent for me right now. I can afford with the training in San Francisco of American vicious racism with tight budget exactly what to do. Dallas is a tech center of a different type than SF. I can live like a gentleman here on disability and polish up my resume and start talking to people about technology; I don’t lose my disability income if I am careful and know some people here but need to un-shabby myself and return to preppy polish. In Deep Ellum I can get a studio for $650 which means I have option of doing my own company again with the harsh lesson learned in SF that when competing against American organization skills which are superior to Nazi Germany in technology, I cannot rely on anything other than breakthrough cutting edge mathematical research, which is what came from the fractional calculus and turbulence. Semilinear parabolic equations that I look at more carefully from the 1970s translates fairly clearly to totally cutting edge models of volatility and I spoke today with my uncle who despite his problems is a successful businessman doing I am not sure what but his way is not mine; I have to push genius as I don’t have any competitive advantage in technology on sheer geek-power since Google can produce a team of MIT Ph.D.s at any point to do anything I do better by sheer horsepower but what your inspiration gave is a shot at the future of quantitative finance that will not be matched by them. I don’t care how smart they are. They will not be challenging 100 years of quant finance. No worries. I won’t inundate you with messages. I’m just cleaning up a mess.
I’m shutting down the emails I created too which were good exercises in Howard Stern shock-jock. You’ve been a greater blessing to me than you will ever know. Well, you may know but for better or for worse, if I love someone, I love them. I don’t love easily. And you I love forever. I have no reasons for it. It’s not a try-and-see etc. It’s love. I am not love, but I know love, and when I say I want to grow old with you, I am grown old with you already. I know what I want, and I got it already. A taste of eternity. I’ve been through deep relationships of years, and for you I don’t feel longing. For you I feel close to eternity, and by no fault of yours. Future? Future is amor fati. I shot to eternity and back already with you smile emoticon
you have my support in all your endeavours but from a distance as i cannot keep up with the sheer volume of messages you write me when you have access to me on face book, and i only go into facebook world once or twice a day and finding you know so many words from you or from anyone is daunting and scary for me in a way i dont understand but feel the need to distance myself from with the emails i usually find a day that i have a few hours and read them while drinking tea and understand not much but it is fun and with the emails i can also just erase them and never read and feel no anxiety over thati wish you success with all you do in dallas, be well and know i think of you often and have you in my heart even though i am far away and feel cold, now i must get going, email me later on to say hi and let me know how you are, just remember that too much manic messaging throws me off, scares me makes me anxious and turns me off somehow, so less is definitely more in that regard with me. take care.
aww cutiest! you are the sweetheart, not me smile emoticon
ok do keep in touch. you’re really sweet and I want to give you a warm hug and apologize for scaring you. I am silly silly silly
My new email address is email@example.com and you touch my heart. I won’t demand anything. You have been wonderful.
thanks for the email address and silly is fine being scared is my business and not your fault, i shall continue my interior investigations until i figure out the root of all my anxieties and why i respond and react as i so often do in most relations and their ships. i give you my best, have a good day, week, month and we’ll be in touch later, until then…smile emoticon
well, being not scared enough is my part of the reason I am always in trouble … but I promised the quelling of volatility storms in my poem to you and this is what is the fundamental poetry in my soul that you have inspired. I can tell you that fear is helpful sometimes like fear of a moving truck coming at you. i have very little fear of any harm to me and so bad things happen. I don’t fear anything but I am shutting down email accounts etc. not out of fear but just routine dealings with FBI
they blocked my other facebook account already. Well, so BIG NEWS is that the Iran deal went through, and my general response is: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BIBI NETANYAHU, SO PLOTTING 9/11 DOES NOT END SO WELL FOR YOU PLANS TO TAKE CONTROL OF WASHINGTON AFTER ALL HUH? WHAT GOOD ARE YOU ZIONISTS ANYWAY? SKANKY PROPAGANDA AND DESTRUCTION AND COULD NOT EVEN STOP THE IRAN DEAL. FUCKING LOSER
they won’t let me post anymore on the other fb at all but it’s been wild. I’m totally done with my anti-Zion propaganda. I’m blocking off the pages in crazyandwtf too. Thank you very much for the ultra-fun
well the fun is over. I hope you can sense that I am getting serious about progress on this volatility storms project. This is actually very cool — Dan Stoock my MIT advisor who has exiled me is famous for a book he wrote called “Multidimensional Diffusions and their Sample Paths” with S. R. S. Varadhan whose son died in the Twin Towers in 9/11, and Vlad knew him. I might seem a bit shaky but I am actually on very strong turf with doing this volatility turbulence project, this is what I may have done in 2001 if I had the experience and intent I have now — challenge a century of finance boldly and with serious mathematical backing
I don’t ever want to be your husband.
did you think otherwise?
If you want me to do something be ready to reciprocate. I will not watch anything, do anything at all for you unless I have explicit confirmation that you have agreed to do something in return. I am no one’s slave. Do not expect me to do things without explicit confirmation on what you will do in exchange.
all’s well that ends well
you are a remarkable woman and very beautiful, and I am glad I met you. I wish you happiness darling.
i mean beautiful in soul (potentially) minus some low level bad habits
i’m severely wounded at the moment but think that we might develop a deep friendship after i get volatility turbulence issues resolved which is truly beyond my wildest imagination
sorry for self-psychoanalysis in emails. don’t read them if you don’t want
thank you and of course you wish me happiness as i wish it and peace upon you, what the fuck are soul mates for anyhow unless we want each other’s happiness?
oh and i want you to watch martrys because it is a very very very special film and you need to see it, if you need me to do something for you in order for you to watch it fine, name it.
it was named. frankly i’d watch it anyway but it’s my way of doing the right thing with you because i need a balancing to keep my darkness in check. the price for that, my lady, is jameson’s chapter on philip k dick. and i know you love me in your way because i know that you are the only soulmate i will have in this life. maybe in the next rebirth i will have another one but i accept my birth and fate with as much humour and grace this little body and soul is capable of. and i don’t just want to evade being your husband. i hated it altogether the first time. marriage does not suit my needs
the link i gave you in gmail is a free youtube version english subtitles (it is a french film) and great quality no ads in between scenes either
yes agree. it destroyed me
i smile because in my current state it takes a lot of effort to understand any conventions. so the link you gave is unavailable in the US
but i’ll find a version. when can you read this chapter. i can watch the movie probably in the next couple of days
smile emoticon ok let me know when you have the time to read. i’ll watch the movies but i’ll stick to my guns and do this when you have the time to read. I simply have to keep working on fractional nonlinear diffusions since I have problems with focus at the moment
oh chapter on philip k dick because we can then find diplomaic ground. jameson’s archaelogies of future
i will watch martyrs maybe by tomorrow. i’m having total insomnia till i finish the write-up and code for nonlinear fractional diffusions on R^d before i lose consciousness
the glorious beggar walks the crooked paths of jerusalem carrying uranium in his linen-patched backpack and his face weary with ary anism and tele-evangelism and pathetic wet – very very wet, extraordinarily sprinkly – VAGINA. the vagina of the rabbi the vagina of bleeding jerusalem these fucking colonized puppets are kept united by moratoriums protestant codes of behavior pornography for the disabled wicker baskets to drag coal miners and whores of hermeneutic dissolution oh and lest we forget the lollies the pungency of absent arthropods the animal fiber of Duchess Ferrara splash splash splash no RNA, no bibles, no last-moment evac landing zone marshmallow rotisserie for the noseless wheeeeeeeeee jackson pollock was a faggot a rancid cancer porridge be gentle to people they’re just drugs and water / dustflowers dwarfing jainist moons in white delirium
oh i enjoyed this poem — there is in this poem a lot of you-and-me and an aesthetic i recognize as a joint creation
i love this organic quality and politicism that’s modern and not
not politicism i mean; dissolution of politicism by eviscerating the political in its own ground
b4 you go back to your maths etc. pls listen to little ditty – you wont regret it and i’ll owe you one!
This attachment may have been removed or the person who shared it may not have permission to share it with you.
to take the most serious and from several perspectives very serious political that actually hurts in its hellishness and then by putting them right there detaching its seriousness and context it tempts a political reading but then there are just enough farce to take that seriousness into the state of catharsis which i know cuz you and me have developed this all on our own
mark the berkeley visual artists banal reading of kafka as a harbinger of nazis etc etc really made me understand better some of the you-and-me newness
poetry that does not have real hellish hurt does not seem compelling enough very good poem i’ll get back to work. you totally opened me up as a poetic noncritic-critic
can’t handle emo till i heal baby girl
yeah yeah i took leftover food from white chicks this psych tricks no worky on me baby girl
i don’t work that way
this is what MAKES you a baby girl
it does not work
because i may listen to it for 2 secs and get back to work
not this level
you win cuz you won my heart emoticon
well you are human
and you are all sorts of things
just a word baby girl
nephilim is another myth
yes and no
right mythologies are easy to construct
the mythologies that stick
those have metaphysical machinery behind them
you gotta fix the world economic and financial bullshit systems and i gotta finish my book and then ….
well the military techs for example, purely hellish source including engineering intelligence as far as I discovered
you’ll enjoy this very quick note
it’s theory and i love you i can convo all day sure
but read this just to feedback
it was written after some effort and probably not quite right
it came during a pretty deep immersion into these realms ‘of the mind’
i don’t claim any absolute knowledge on this just my experiences which did not match any known myth
the wise person does not ask to have their wisdom listened to or accepted the wise person takes the other to the threshold of their OWN Mind
i’m wise unconsciously but naive because i am too respectful and aritocratic for western hierarchical structures which don’t respect without power
so these realms i can’t reach any more it took some months of being safely insane before these came around
oh I knew you were my soulmate. good deal and kills your obey commands note please for future reference
i like it. i better get some work done cutiest
i liked this: For me, who believes in a single human race, the state of affairs suggests a diseased human civilization. I am often reminded of the famous mantra of J. Robert Oppenheimer of ‘I am Shiva the Destroyer of worlds’ when I consider that perhaps Shiva was indeed involved in an oblique manner in the destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
ok there are guests at my aunt’s house for eid so I’m also trying to evade this
well i hate it. i cannot stand the religious conversation. i apologized to the guests by saying I am extremely antireligious and will not sit at the fancy dinner table and spoil their sacred ceremony out of respect for human faiths
my aunt’s friends are arabs with kids and jordanian woman is a fucking quran scholar but yes the food is very good. my aunt is an expert cook and loves to throw feasts. i am sitting away from the socializing after talking to one person regarding volatility storms and my failures in san francisco, falling in love, soul searching and he’s willing to discuss it further. he’s an established architect, cousin of my mom and aunt and is not so irritating as condescending as my uncle for be being a fuckup financially
well i’d rather get volatility storms done. i’ve heard this shit all my life i’ve had it up to my neck.
they have no respect these religious fanatics talking about God who does not exist
i can’t today, can’t take emotions well today maybe not even tomorrow.
for me mathematics is calm peace
refuge from my heart which is too big for its own good
no not true
if i were not recovering from extreme situation for months, i can compromise and chill but i never chill with family nearby.
these people are fucking destructive for all my efforts with their patronizing disrespectful bullcrap
no no no not the deal
deal is i watch martyrs next
accepted. dogtooth first. you read jameson chapter
synchronous. i’ll watch dogtooth by tomorrow latest. you read chapter on pkd in next two days without wating
let’s build trust by effort
the hard way
like real diplomacy
i want to be able to tell the world that i fell in love and met the love of my life and never regretted it
well don’t tell that to other people like this jordanian woman that because they don’t forgive such insolence
the point is ‘God’
well ‘G-d’ to me means nothing
as far as I am concerned
well i don’t believe in any of these religions
i met many angels
i am an angel and god
and at the same time
i think there is a lot more that exists
and things i blogged about
well dragons tell a different story
i’ve seen factories where the human template was made
robotic control of the universe
dragons claimed to me
that they brought first humans to earth two billion years ago
and their wars
look at Michael Cremo’s work
right now I’d rather not believe anything at all to keep clear and look to future religions that are clear of Abrahamic stains
do you mind if I’d rather go in a different truth? Look ART can create new religions
so you are tied to these mythologies?
he was spoiled
right. what i would propose is you consider the possibility of the importance of TRANSITION
of human ages
and consider the art of creating new religions far from the old
because there may be something like what Nietzsche found
which was DIONYSUS as antichrist
totally genius move too
but he failed
but that is for me an artistic challenge par excellence
to understand the birth and death of entire religions
and push right at the center
if we fail or succeed
we won’t be disappointed
ok need to go now just ponder
.bacchanalian rites and mysteries are all fine and good and i adore Dionysous and i agree with your idea here only that WHY RELIGION AT ALL?
The voices in Nietzsche’s head
65a Man is most dishonest in relation to his god: he is not permitted to sin! 66 The inclination to diminish oneself, to rob oneself, to let oneself be deceived and exploited could be the embarrass…
let’s meet sometime. fly over to Dallas and let’s meet somewhere Downtown. No need for any fear, and no worries, I’m pretty peaceful. Make the time. I promise that it will be good for both of us
I am sure you have tons of things to do etc. but it will be very good for both of us
don’t meditate on it. make a plan, get a ticket and just do it. it will make a world of difference for me and for you. it will be nice to chill, see each other face to face and not go through unnecessary misunderstandings
if I had the possibility of doing this without getting in trouble, i’d have visited right after i met you first and avoided totally unnecessary problems of myself
i want you to come visit ME not see me on your way to something else. you can see your friends etc. while you visit me
Just gave a full presentation to all the guests on nonlinear fractional diffusions and the challenge to a century of finance. So don’t read the Jameson book for a while as I want to focus completely on Volatility Storms and not watch Dogtooth or any other movie since that has been a problem for us in the first place. You have a house wife and a house husband to share these with anyway. You don’t need me to watch anything
I’ve just decided I don’t like really to be in contact with you without a visit
It’s no good for anything. Why do you need me to watch anything anyway if you can’t visit?
ok we make this art
well why don’t you tell me something real like real people in real relationships? annoying you is not my aim. it is to protect my heart
i am pretty wounded. Annoying you is not a risk really, and it’s not a big deal either. I’ve seen parts of Dogtooth btw already.
i’ll keep my word no worries
you have to visit you have to visit i need to see you in flesh. this is not going anywhere otherwise. it’s insane for me
pretty damn tiring to have someone do this when they have the resources to make a visit. it’s magical to meet and then have this giant refusal to visit. it’s not healthy.
anyway, goodnight. read the poem that I actually posted on your wall and I’m cleaning this up too won’t embarrass you
you’ll contact me you’ll try to play cat and mouse with my emotions but I have empty you’re not the one freudian missing word wow unconscious hope weird powers control my actions beyond me strange…
and obviously I love you. watching Dogtooth is not a big deal for me. This is more important
and btw I watched Dogtooth parts not now but MONTHS ago when you were not in touch with me at all. Just to set the record straight. In other words, this is comfort zone we return to which has not been the best experience of my life. You could have done something long ago about this, but this is a complicated mess already BECAUSE of your refusal to visit from the very beginning. Just do the fucking right thing for whatever’s sake
Look, here is the Green function of fractional diffusions on d-dimensional space. This would not even be something I’d be looking at after 15 years of having been ejected from mathematics with such sharp jump to establishing the science of finance against the whole of Wall Street if I had not been in love with you. This is no mean feat. I’m doing this as a present to you and to humanity and my revenge on Wall Street. Who else can even claim such things? This ‘I want you to watch these movies for they are special to me’ is pretty meek response and refusal to visit is just malicious.
and posting on your facebook page ‘I have a house wife and a house husband’ while this is happening. COME ON. Give me a fucking break
anyway, you will do what you will anyway, so this is not meant to convince. it’s just meant to point out the issues that we have because for me, I loved you without any second thoughts since I slammed the phone after yelling at you and when I picked it up you were still there and I repeated three times: I love you, I love you and I love you. I don’t say such things to women EVER.
so I love you, and I want to see you. It’s perfectly normal. What is abnormal is how far I flew on the wings of love, and how much deeper our contact is for me and how you still act like you can convince yourself that we’re teenagers having phone sex or random strangers talking and posting things on your wall which are just … umm pretty base
we’re not ‘in a relationship’ I said we’re jump past marriage altogether and I kept my promise
you’re advanced in your experiences and and i’m advanced in mine. My heart and relationships even the failures are pure and boring. Come see me honey bunny. It will be good for you and me.
well not boring in depth of emotions but boring in lack of need for toying and games
you know that anyway
so I’m going to keep talking math to heal. I’m not trying to ‘turn you on’. I’m not a kid. I don’t care if you are on or off. I’m in love, I love you, and I want to see you. You should visit me, I should see you in flesh, we should make things real rather than fake
as for ‘who needs who more’ etc. what will you do? I want to see you. You can disappear or you can stay with me. I won’t change. I will love you either way. I can take a hard life. Been there done that. If you decide to produce pain, I won’t be crushed. I will be in pain and keep going.
well, so this is what being in love is like with a bleeding heart. Very interesting too.
never mind. this is not art but something more important. knowledge. carry on
i’ll watch your films
rules of love and war … forgiveness requires closures. bleeding heart does not paralyze. closures strengthen the soul. never leave wounds unadressed. fear is death that sort of thing. thank you darling. you are now post-marriage partner
take the initial point, the declaration of the 3x ‘I love you’ to now. find fastest path to here.
to have no regrets
not very clear now but will be one day. I no longer need to meet you face to face but it would be advisable. It makes life more bearable. I can keep contact with you without dysfunction I think but cost still high. fate governs, and amor fati. I will not cut contact because we’re past that need for me. I will not expend effort on these issues of self. Volatility storms higher priority. Transition from heart to mind you can detect.
Dogtooth. Sure. I’d love to see it by tomorrow Need to finish some math
Must test code for Green function, etc. tonight. Volatility Storms project must be completed at all costs. It will help heal heart wounds not due to you but due to MYSELF. Bless protect you. I love you. Will not threaten cutting contact although it is not irrational to cut contact under any normal civilized protective measures. But visit. It won’t kill you. Make a gesture more than what you have shown, for the sake of civilized diplomatic relations. Facebook is too easy. It would be nice to see some effort on your side.
For me at 41 with the life that I’ve had, it is difficult to take you seriously as more than baby girl otherwise, and baby girl is not appropriate as I did volatility storms which requires a mature woman. Mature woman does not refuse to visit after all we’ve already accomplished. It’s disrespectful to me and ultimately to yourself.
oh but it is delusional for me to expect you to match my expectations. It is not highest priority for you to visit but then there is a higher probability of problems between us. But your estimation of our contact is not the same as mine obviously, so the constraint put by myself that you are my soulmate can be a source of difficulties if it is not reciprocated with any fundamental seriousness. What is the right thing to do? Postpone issues and let you be happy and focus on ensuring Volatility Storms is completed at all costs, i.e. take the chance that I will be in more pain which is actually not difficult to handle after the great disappointments and betrayals in my life. You cannot betray me because you and I have no agreements and we have overcome marriage-contact but I will be considered a fool in society which has consequences to my future. I am incapable of philandering or even sleeping with a woman who I do not love. I have done so in the past and was disgusted by the emptiness that my heart felt and the cheapening of my soul. To fuck without any love is beyond my capacity. It’s obviously your choice, and it was your choice when we first met. You have a record of being unreliable about promises to visit according to Justin Maxwell which gives me perfectly good reasons to think your intentions are not pure and honourable with me. I would rather believe otherwise, and hope you choose a better course.
this is tough. By the way, there is no unique Uriel or Metatron that I can agree on, and G-d although I do believe you’ve had the experiences you’ve had. This is because there are Archetypes and there possibly fixed sequences of experiences available to everyone. These are not universal per se, as Nietzsche’s experiences shows one can even reach Dionysus who is far removed from modern consciousness. So I met you, I want to believe very much that the magic of our meeting in my metaphysical path trumps all sense and I have reached great heights from pursuing love for you, a greatness that had produced enormous strides in a problem that defies the entire Wall Street community in a sense and my intuitions are becoming solid under mathematical inspection. At the same time, I do not wish to destroy my life and future for a woman who refuses to make a simple plane trip suggesting that there is absolutely no respect or reciprocity at a practical level. I need to be selfish enough to achieve my goals too, and taking a flight to Dallas for a coffee or whatever so I can see you in person is quite far from an unreasonable request UNLESS you’re still intending to toy and use my emotions rather than have genuine love. If you don’t have love you have nothing beyond being a mirage and a model of an artist type thing, Muse certainly but beyond that what? I did not fall in love with you by searching you out on Facebook. You approached me and you have been a blessing to me in many ways, magical, etc. etc. Meet me here in Dallas. I cannot afford rationally to repeat previous errors. My heart is wounded and it would be excellent if we met face to face.
by the way, there are no obligations from my side. I will not harm you in any way ever; I do not harm. I’m angelic that way. I want to SEE you in real life.
so yes, do it do it do it. I’ll watch Dogtooth and Martyrs without problems. Come visit. Please. Take a flight, stay for a short time wherever, let’s just meet for coffee. You’ve seen what I can do. We can do amazing things together, but we cannot repeat what has not worked, pretending that not meeting is ok. You knew about Noia Efrat and my disastrous non-meeting. Don’t be cruel.
Life is short and I’m good for you. Otherwise you would not be talking to me anyway. Make our magic bloom into health rather than pain and disease
do as you will however. ignore all above if you wish for example. I find that verbalizing things allows one to overcome all of it. I think today I annoyed you with these because this is how I can cope and move beyond layers. Beyond the layers of annoyance lie greater things. Now that I’ve said all this to you, I can probably deal better with your decision not to do these things like visiting. I’m an inexhaustible well of spirits, and if I don’t remove layers that are holding me back by verbalizing some things, then trust becomes harder. Why fate chose you for me in my world I cannot explain, but you appeared magically in my life in the most magical way imaginable and just touched my heart
how is this even possible? I can’t explain and then suddenly there are all these mismatches because your appearance in my life was so shocking and I was so deep in a path of crazy independence and rebellion that I assumed that everything would just magically work out like some fairy tale romance of Lancelot or whatever, or Lucifer and his mate which I know more about. And I don’t know how else to reach out to you besides cleansing all paths in my soul and verbalizing all the negative things first because I am an OPTIMISTIC soul regarding the future and don’t have ideas on how to CONTROL fate but to only keep expressing and verbalizing and cleansing all the muck from my soul not with an intention that this leads to my will being realized but just to allow that space and to grow more. I am what I am, and I am not something else. I am PURE in my heart like the romantic knights of the round table and purity of heart with ambitious leaps into genius which is recorded in my blogs and writings attempting to do things no one is bold enough to do, like Love-War equivalence and their rules, like the value of great sacrifices in the age of money and Hell on Earth, and so on. So you may have your own reality etc. and it may even be that you cannot stand my smell or whatever, but I want to still see you at least once. That will allow me to trust you immediately as a friend. I am annoying you today probably because today when we spoke I FELT CLOSE to you in a way that I could not FEEL your trust and presence. So I annoyed you … whatever. I love you and you love me and we know this and we’ve annoyed each other before much more severely, and we are already so close might as well take a leap closer and let’s forget plans and focus on FATE and our AGENCY choices at the highest level. Meeting is good because it removes unnecessary sources of DISTRUST. It’s a way to move more EFFICIENTLY to wherever fate will take us. MARRIAGE is agreed upon as useless for us, but let’s not make that into something that brings us into a LOWER spacew and shoot for TRUST by meeting sometime. I will watch your favourite movies, but this is not good enough any more for us. We’ve already grown together. I saw it in your very beautiful and shockingly new poetry. I’m naturally a healer of my own soul and work backward. Get rid of the WORST things first so they are gone. THEN what’s left is only better.
you are annoyed and tired tonight by my chatter, and my chatter comes from wounds of the soul that are NOT due to you, not your fault. But they need to be shown and once shown they will bring us to a better place. That’s my modus operandi …
CATHARSIS is divine
You are my soulmate but your reality is not the same as mine. That’s ok. I’m not a fundamentalist. I’m other things.
I love you heart emoticon
having said all this, I can comply with your request to see Dogtooth again tomorrow, as I’ve seen parts of it. One last push on math and then I get rest. For you this communication may be whatever but for me it is to my soulmate, which has special meaning in my world. I just want to make sure that I’ve covered what I need to tell you and this communication may seem silly or annoying but it had to be done so I feel satisfied that I made the effort to clarify my state. Volatility Storms project and the Moebius World Project (still waiting in SF) and things I have to do here in Dallas, all this could not proceed without these words to heal my wounds, to bring us closer … and thank you for today’s honest lovely presence because you’re a darling.
nonlinear fractional diffusions with python code for calculating Green functions
ok now i’m fine with entire dogtooth. i’ll do it tomorrow, and not even as a favour or anything, out of MY PLEASURE. ok?
have a good night. the volatility storm project, this one is gigantic with a gigantic future. it can have the sort of impact that gods would be jealous of, and you came in my life just at the time when I dug into the bowels of 1945 politics and pissed off all the authorities. now all that is done. i feel freer every day. if i die in the next week, i’ve done everything to ensure that my best achievements will survive
YOUR HEART WOULD HAVE RESPONDED GAILY (A poem dedicated to Talia de Varsgaard) When invited Beating obedient to controlling hands High above the clouds of dust The swirling storms of money Crawling insects the fate of the fallen rebels The boat responded gaily To the hand expert at sail and oar Arisen from a long sleep Shattered cryogenic chambers Love, the World exists only within And thunders sear my heart That create and end worlds of The distant volatility storms That I was meant to tame
I heard once ‘stop insulting me’. No worries dear, I am not insulting you. I am speaking what I can understand. Insulting is not my aim, and was never yours either. Insulting is merely the perception based on some norm and my norm is my own, the peculiar norm of the understanding of man with a great heart who loves you really and wants to see you privately from the maddening crowd, anonymously, and have tea or coffee in Dallas without fanfare.
For example, the kid white chick who offered me her leftover burrito in San Francisco recently, she was not insulting me because in her reality she could not comprehend that the shabby looking coloured man in a table could have been anything but a bum, even when he had his own burrito, etc. Insuilting was when you put me in some trust fund when I had just met you without consultation and I remember being upset and yelling at you on the phone about it. I did the right thing then because I generally do the right thing. I did the right thing annoying you right now. Nibiru, Nephilim, these are narratives I have come across as well, from many people. There are levels of popularly available narratives which include these. I tend to be classical in my self-mythologizing. You and I can do amazing things and have already.
Dogtooth won Cannes 2009 I see.
watching it now. your taste in movies is exquisite
oh for some reason I went through some space in my ‘metaphysical path’ last night just after I heard you say ‘stop insulting me’ to Tom Seleck probably just some thing from visuals, because he does some television show my uncle likes where he is an old police commissioner etc. I like the sound and musiclessness of Dogtooth. It reminds me of Tarkovsky’s, and the formality of the conversations as well, which have no emotional features and an absurdist seriousness. I am still not in a state where I can watch it start to finish in one sitting. I have to take breaks after short snippets because my mind is busy and sleep is difficult. I’m not ‘paranoid schizophrenic’ or whatever they have to say. I’m just tuned in to some state of the metaphysical universe which requires care because I’ve experimented with my dream paths to try to reach some places that are almost impossible to undo, disconnected myself with normal soul psychically for knowledge of what is and followed the poetry. When I watch movies that present the material world things, I have trouble not getting bored at least in these heightened states because my mind is too tired from trying to keep myself in sanity internally because I see and hear things that I do not consider to be anything other than my connection with the collective psyche which contains all that connects us, and I have already broken with the normal dreaming mechanism so what I see is strictly stranger things that occupy all my efforts to try to understand. Love, the world exists only within, it does, and this within is where I connected with you and yet I do want to see you in actual physical plane soon just in case fate will disallow such a meeting. For even if you wanted to visit with 100% certain determination, and I wanted to meet you for coffee and sat in a cafe Downtown Dallas waiting and you were already in Dallas and you were walking to the cafe, strange things can happen where we simply cannot meet. How will we know? You spoke about your fears of relations and their ships. Those are MINOR obstructions if you take a refined view of fate. Forgetting all the baggage of expectations and promises, you might find that something as simple as crossing the street to meet your soulmate is impossible because of whatever powers that decides to run a truck over you crossing it. I’m much more interested in such obstructions than your fears of the mundane sort. I wish you were willing to meet because that would be a good thing to expect from you, the least one could expect in my shoes. You see? You and I, if possibly soulmates have a lot more difficulties than the limited set of ‘relationship’ issues that you’ve brought up. So I am not trying to ‘turn you on’. We’re WAY past that. I want you to help me and be a darling and try this one day. Forget all the bullshit and try to do this or don’t if you’re stuck in the mundane world and its social order.
frankly I don’t care for your bullshit excuses. I know that it is worthwhile to meet for coffee or tea for an hour and that you should make the effort and if fate stops our meeting it should be not for your will to refuse but rather because despite your best efforts there are things that disallow a meeting like a comet landing on your head.
now that would be more interesting than your bullshit excuses and deeper. otherwise, failing this level of obstruction, you and me should be together at least once physically. you owe it to yourself because we have already overcome much more and I and you are good for each other. why do you think I agreed to skip marriage? we ain’t young honey bunny …
Choose your flight from a simple list of results, explore destinations on a map, and find travel dates with the lowest fare with Flight Search.
the cost is $500 for round trips to dallas. you are welcome to stay at my aunt’s place but if you stay at a hotel that’s even better. it may be better later on in a few months because by then I’d have done some practical stuff like a get a place of my own. I share my storage in San Fran with Raul because he needed to keep stuff too and has no money so I gave him a key and he also keeps my books safe there. Drop all these social hierarchy bullshit. You don’t have anxieties because you said ‘Thank God’ about me not wanting ever to be your (or anyone else’s) husband. So that should make things easier. You don’t love me ‘in your own way’. You love me. I feel it. You’re being STUPID, not wise. You will lose me beyond my control and I will lose you because you are LAZY
come as you are as I want you to be etc. etc. and I swear I don’t have a gun smile emoticon see I live the art
Caetano Veloso – Come As You Are (Clipe Official)
Clipe Ao Vivo de Caetano Veloso numa regravação de uma música de Nirvana em ”Come As You Are” do album ” A Foreign Sound” de 2004 lançado pela UMG Brasil
hurry up take your time etc.
wow i got here
i love you heart emoticon
so now we have the starstruck lovers with uncertain bifurcation of fate itself. conventions removed politics removed religions removed so beautiful yes?
High above the clouds of dust The swirling storms of money Crawling insects the fate of the fallen rebels
The boat responded gaily To the hand expert at sail and oar Arisen from a long sleep Shattered cryogenic chambers Love, the World exists only within
now you see through my eyes far from the maddening crowd
far from husbands and wives
and everything else
And thunders sear my heart That create and end worlds of The distant volatility storms That I was meant to tame
which gets me back to work furiously again
then to make things fun: OBEY ME NEVER MEET ME FACE TO FACE MAKING A SIMPLE ROUND TRIP TO DALLAS TO TELL ME ABOUT YOU WRITING A BOOK AND ME DOING VOLATILITY STORMS!!!
there, that’s beautiful
now I will be happy even without a trip because catharsis is powerful and I will be able to love you without reservations
rules exist for love and war and these rules are much more complicated to understand than volatility but these are much better done with you and me together after this maths is done and I know Donoho is annoyed and will not help but I’m pretty American in persistence and pushing through odd things.
talk later beautiful ciao for now
i like the conversations in the movie. if you get into my sorts of internal pushes you realize that these scriptwriters the topics of conversations such as the telephone convo of the guy just before this scene are reminiscent of a set of stock phrases used by people. one of the things I like about our communication is that there is in them something quite different from normal stocks of phrases used in particular situations. I get bored by these. I prefer mathematical rather than this discourse. you can see that my mind may not be polished these days but I have my own ways of expressing things which are mine and only mine. This independence of discourse comes from following my own heart and mind and not giving a fuck about many many things that are considered normal smart behaviour in talking. I’m definitely unique, whether for good of bad or whatever, and I like very much your poetry yesterday. To be genuinely unique in discourse, words, even new WISDOM, is not easy if one truly believes Michel Foucault or Bakhtin. My thoughts are raw and Freddy knew that being understood is hard in an age where fortune twirls us. Your poetry is very exciting to me; it has wonderful features. And I probably seem inane and annoying with my difficulties but I’m never at rest, and I think that you and I meeting or not is important because I want to meet the woman who inspired me to great heights. If you want to truly follow Metatron and Uriel around rather than meeting Zulf, so be it. I don’t think they will make you happier but whatever.
so this is a return to being able to communicate after aetherial rumours revive for a moment a broken Coriolanus. And then I am back to being not as annoying and not worrying about a thing.
do as thou wilt and it is fine now
I mean you see the problem of never wanting to make the effort to visit me and telling me that you will write your book and I will finance while posting on your wall that you have a house wife and a house husband and referring to me as babe yes? no? or to tell me that you want to buy a townhouse in SF and toying with me for months while I am happy with you and then disappearing suddenly and after all this returning to my life and then getting annoyed because of something silly? I love you and things will be okay between us. Or not or whatever. Be real honey bunny. If you’re writing poetry with the zest you’re doing now, very good stuff too, make real effort to ditch other things and all your other interests and make real gestures. Otherwise continue a tragic dissolution of your soul and Uriel is less likely to love you or Metatron more than me. THAT I know. COME ON!!
I’m being totally silly. I’m explaining the obvious repeatedly. This here, this is raw material for not art but medicine of the soul.
This is my way. I press on some thing till I find some insight about the human soul in this case, mine and yours, and if understood, of the world’s. You have to think and contemplate, to look within etc. To find peace, to know how to be alone, or to reach out, or whatever, to be warm or intense, cool or hot, this raw material I want to transform into something valuable, art and knowledge, gems. This is not social but about romantic contact of men and women, of all that unites you with me and all that separates, psychology of union etc. very interesting stuff. Very deep stuff for which like the beginning of volatility storms project is intuitive and frustrating to understand. Mating dance we’re past. We’re together in spirit, we are talking again, and we want things to work somehow. We know there is in our contact something wonderful and deep and there is love. You like to move slow, and I like to dig deep otherwise I am not satisfied with my efforts.
I’m not at the moment in any shape to be doing this development, stretched beyond my capacity. But wow, we did proceed far without meeting. Insomnia not for you, but because the efforts of the past months have exhausted vital energy, especially since I went against the world, screaming. Dogtooth is wonderful in its calm beauty of family life and the insanity. Oh wait, you’re not here right now. I forgot something or other. Time to return to much much lower levels of intensity. No worries. No worries. This little inner storm, verbal ‘masturbation’ maybe, this is the beginning of something wonderful too. And have a great day my lovely lady.
this reminds me of the seriousness of the FBI swat team converging on my hovel in San Fran
you know, one thing that Noia Efrat said that stayed with me because she did not say many things that were so interesting as this. She said ‘think and think and think and think and think and when you go completely crazy do something’. Well, I hear ‘Angel’ from you now, or delusional Talia voice which I don’t identify necessarily with you but I can assure you that it’s compelling. If things should dissolve between us and we lose contact altogether, I am happy to have been part of this journey with you, and will remember you fondly, so I have a clean conscience. I’ve done the best I could.
Well so I think your ‘house wife and house husband’ post on Facebook sealed some decisions from me.
Thank G-d I saw the post
I really wish we had met in person. I really do. I really wish you’d come visited me. I don’t know what can happen because my feelings are very complicated and your various interests as far as I can understand them, are poetry and other things but they are not ME enough for me to be happy. Of course this is a reaction to your YOU interests more than my natural egotism. My wisdom is sacred to me I guess but that wisdom is still confused about too many things regarding things Nietzsche and Gibran and Emerson had only vague statements. I am interested in revolutionary new things and Volatility Storms is so powerful a concept that came from my love for you, that I am totally spinning in my mind in circles regarding you.
So what you have is a pretty complete state of my mind and heart at the moment. You can see that it’s a bit messy. I’m not ashamed of this state. I’m also not fearful of losing you or not losing you.
It seemed to me to be the right decision to give you a core dump smile emoticon
This situation is too difficult for me at the moment. Beyond my capacity to clarify. I will return to this after a break. WHY ME??!!! Why can’t the universe give me some fucking happiness? Fucking FUCK GOD BACK TO HELL
sorry to bother you. this has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Have a wonderful day. Ignore everything I wrote.
Let us grant that the pursuit of mathematics is a divine madness of the human spirit, a refuge from the goading urgency of contingent happenings. –Alfred North Whitehead
17 hours ago
this is by my own count a 2 out of 10
i am madly out of order till I heal my wounds. I hate you
and love you
and don’t want to meet you
and want to meet you
and realize nothing
and return to reconstruct my life
and have great ambitions
and have no will to live
and no live to die
and have infinite wells within
that I wish did not exist
and i am crumpled up in some place and have the potential to save the world in an another
i’m a genius
and so is the rest of humanity
i’m a failure
and a success beyond measure
but i was not meant for this world
i’m all that exists
etc. etc. and I don’t want to exist and I need to push for every step and tell people here sorry but God does not exist
all this and what?
verbal storms insomnia an artist without production where is the cold knowledge of Nietzsche’s path? I saw sages yesterday in my insomnia and then what will I see but demons. too many unfinished projects. this contact of ours, this is something real for me, and I am not convinced that it is for you but I know it is. this is all none of your business. and it is still your business. why am i so fucking resilient? why can’t I just disappear into my mythologies? why am I so naive and so gullible?
so there is some stream of where all the questions come without answers and yet I am incredibly wise. I hate being wise. Wisdom is a chore. Internal turmoil is my doorway to the next great leap of genius. I don’t long for you and still I write to you to annoy and irritate. I have things to do but success in this world is not appealing to me. nothing less than revolutionary genius can grab my attention. Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky is what I need damn Brothers Karamazov could help. Ok thanks. You’re a sweetheart
that later on. yes come one day and meet me. I’m a mess at the moment, but I’m very efficient with mess and reconstitution, you’ll see
loser whatever. i know how to get things done. mathematical push on volatility storm project was not too bad so far for the short time. I need focus. focus focus.
lay down for two seconds and immediately see japanese shoguns running up stairs. honey bunny THIS is what is exciting when I dissolve. yesterday I saw an Indian sage character. FUCKING ASIA … Ohhhhhhhh
I LOVE YOU!!! heart emoticon
ignore every bit of drama here. Do not worry about a THING!! Confusion stemmed from levels of passages that I had not considered possible. Connection VIA YOU AND ME from London to United States from Muslims-Jews Heaven-Hell all the way to Japan. I knew something was going on. Sorry about insulting you and annoying you. My mind is foggy but I’m an Angel. I get passages without any religious mythology … well you can see how it’s like for me. So let me try to make sense of this in this way: yes yes I am very sorry for the drama and I hope you will forgive me and I love you forever etc. etc. Now remember when we were in love in San Francisco and I spoke about going eastward? Well maybe, just maybe, this reconnection and all the sappy stuff and annoyance happens at one level and then undeneath there is a reconfiguration of the metaphysical world where YOU AND ME have actually already changed the underbelly of the collective spirit of humanity!!!
I mean, I was reaching out for you and I’ve gone through London and Washington and we were talking yesterday about Jews and Muslims and other things. Yes yes yes, don’t get annoyed. I wish you’d never left me but you did and it was fate and we have our various emotional drama (or I do) but I stayed close to you yes? Japanese shogun in my metaphysical vision. So this solves my issues anyway. I was doing things in metaphysical S4 universe without ability to handle the rest of the world’s ‘Zulf’ very well having bad reactions from exhaustion. And don’t tell me that me loving you is not important to all this. So what’s the proof that this affects the world and not just me? I don’t care. I’ve proven that I’m an Angel in so many ways already it does not even matter. I feel HAPPIER when I pay attention to ‘inner experiences’ because there I can find things that actually make a difference to the state of the world. I want you. You know that. Well, tell Uriel and Metatron that Zulf is doing more for the world than them.
Uriel and Metatron can go to Hell, stealing my baby girl from me. Who do they think they are?!!! What have they done for the world compared to me!!!
ok apologies for all the drama honey bunny. forgive me? yes of course you would because you’re my soulmate. here’s the make-up song.
Ten Years Gone-Led Zeppelin
Led Zeppelin’s sixth album tenth song Artist: Led Zeppelin Album: Physical Graffiti Song Name: Ten Years Gone Writing: Jimmy Page; Robert Plant
ok so on you-me front, when I was sleeping in front of the moebius mural in the tourist street in san francisco, I had a few you experiences: you as a child in a corner, me on a desk with my head on books. (yes, yes cocky but need to be efficient) and just now I had the experience of you as a fair maiden who accepts to fall into my arms. I was sitting in the backyard of the suburban house garden in the back in a chair and just as I saw this figure of the maiden fall I looked up to see a white plane flying (I hear romantic yes). What is very interesting about my experiences is that they are taking place in many different levels of the spirit where I don’t smoothly fit into any level clearly. East-West. Jew-Gentile. Love-War, etc. I note that Nietzsche’s reaching out for Dionysus as Antichrist was not so much interested in the bacchanalian festivals but rather Dionysus as the genius of the heart who promises him that he wanted to benefit mankind in a particular manner. Nietzsche lived in a mythological reality or had expended a great deal of effort in these, and I’ve been exploring these for a long time. You sent me the beautiful papyrus of Hathor and Horus which I will cherish forever. And just in case I forget, let me post this because whether asynchronous or not, it is important to do the right thing. This belongs here.
the sled scene
And when we were children, staying at the arch-duke’s, My cousin’s, he took me out on a sled, And I was frightened. He said, Marie, Marie, hold on tight. And down we went. In the mountains, there y…
our contact might not be polished from me; I wish the world were not as difficult or that I were not as ambitious but I am what I am, for good or ill.
so this is all very real and very post-postmodern. (I heard I like it; you’re the cutiest). Oh come on I’m not an asshole. Wounded and pissy maybe not an asshole. ANNOYING sure but I needed to reach out to you while you were … umm … pretty busy yes? Anyway, I hope that I did catch some important parts of your soul. Dogtooth I can grock (yes I’m a sweetheart). But I am having conniptions about Volatility Storms and can’t focus on it. Enjoy your day. Ciao 4 now. I love you ok?
(Masterpiece? awwww blushing)
13 hours ago
oops terribly sorry about this my lady forgot this
we’re connected metaphysically at various levels. be careful. I won’t post on your wall at all
i prefer to keep our contact private minus my blog posts which are not very popular; same with any meeting we have in person. this is best for you and me. I’ve got tons of things to fix
because money is not power. the latter is much more complicated than money but I don’t know so much about their functioning and frankly would rather be working only metaphysically on these. i hate to make stupid errors
power has a lot of metaphysical machinery these are deep in the ‘mind’ and ‘mind’ itself is an S4 physics issue beyond the discourse of people. you may know many powerful people but the theories of power are probably totally wrong because western power resides with all sorts of secret societies. Zionists know about power since they’ve colonized Washington with 9/11
11 hours ago
extended sleep deprivation most likely
i saw your Dogtooth. it’s very good oh i said so. i’m a total mess today but you know a total collapse into actual restful sleep would probably bring me back to sanity. wild emotions honey bunny. well at least i’m expressive when blowing up. no worries, I’ll return later on, hopefully in a more stable state. mathematics is hard in this state. Make that impossible. Months of sleeping on the streets takes its toll over long periods
10 hours ago
Don’t disappear. I need you to heal myself. I’ll help you. Calvin phase over for me. I can do great things but I need you to do them. It’s a good deal. You can see my potential yes, like I see yours?
with your help (I mean love nothing else) I can exceed Einstein in scientific genius on finance and get S4 physics established. You can see that I can help you develop as a poet and I’ll help you write books. Stay with me … forget your house wife and house husband.
Check my background if you like. Princeton, Mathematics, class of 1995, winner of the prize for the most original mathematics thesis for the year, and then Lehman Brothers, Fixed Income Research, and then a messy turbulent life that has many good points like working with Daniel Stroock at MIT pissing off Columbia University who I pissed off by working at Lehman to take care of brother and girlfriend Natalia Brizuela, who I married and my life was destroyed by United States because I could not return from Argentina, totally lost track of studies and a turbulent spiral that I only reached genius level ideas with getting fucked by Chris Thorpe who totally damaged my life etc. and you were the best woman for me I met for whom I returned to great genius level ideas that already took shape. I was open and honest about everything. I don’t lie. I’m an honest man, and a gentleman with cussing and screaming because I was involved in testing out some dissident free speech limits which I felt was good for the world in the end. I have years of experience in quantitative finance and did not go up the ranks except as my last stint with Henry Jarecki’s company and he destroyed me for whatever reasons. So you have here a very potent situation. Quelling of volatility storms is a really valuable thing and I am literally sweating through recovery of lost years of mathematical research. Salomon Bochner was recommended by Daniel Stroock, who has disowned me. I have to fight tooth and nail against the world, The last thing I need is for you to disappear.
8 hours ago
I’m weak and strong. Weakness you see now can disappear in a week. I’m bold with my self-exposure because every exposure brings me to a new place. If you followed my trajectory for sufficiently long time, you would wonder how I am still alive and talking. I should be dead by any account. I am clearly in a very strong transitional mode, exhaustion from months of sleep deprivation honey. I will recover relatively quickly. I lack discipline in mathematics after years of not working on it. For me it is hard to work on mathematics after the adventure of the past year. I do apologize for the bother with the emo-storms. These were meant to be cathartic and positive in outcome for us as individuals I guess. They annoyed you. I understand that. But at the same time, I reached parts of your soul. So we both shall recover new equilibrium. We have a relationship that is beyond any that you will have with any other human being or angel or nephilim.
6 hours ago
for fun only
BENNY MARDONES – Into The Night
A Video made by me a long time ago as I realised that there was no official one… Videos I used in cutting alphabetically: 01.CHRIS ISAAK -=- Wicked Game 02…
if you’re serious about writing a book i’m there. I’m recovering from no-weekends constant pressures of going down the shafts my soul. i don’t know if I can recover but i make progress little by little reconstructing myself mathematically. reading more papers etc. perelman solved one of the greatest mathematical problems of a century and declined the fields medal. so great things are possible to do with incredible discipline alone
46 minutes ago
you’ve been not good for me at all
i’m not happy i met you
listen honey bunny
i wish i met my soulmate
i wanted to believe it was you
i suffered a lot to believe this
you are cruel very
you cannot be human
you cannot love
you cannot love
you do not
you will never know
i do know
better than you
a LOT better than you
i do too
you inspired me though
i hope you learn to love
as you wish honey bunny. you know love as you do. i am conceited
just because you are smart and know a lot of stuff and think loving me is doing to me exactly what i tell you hurts me
and don’t know what i’m talking about actually
just an fool
i am not doing what you tell me exactly
do you not get it?
it’s not attention
look do what you want. i never met you in person